I was looking at photos from the past several years. They were snapshots in time when I had wonderful friends, family, a job and life I was happier with. Everything in that little apartment was mine and I was proud of it. I took care of myself and I had the freedom to do what I wanted without financial worry. I didn’t wonder if he’d marry me or keep fucking around, he didn’t even exist yet. No one hurt me, no one got that close. Don’t get me wrong I love Cash so very much. My life just doesn’t feel like my own anymore and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel it’s because I don’t have control over anything, especially my future. My friends are so far away I’ve lost a few already just because of distance. My family feels the strain too and I’m torn and at a loss for an explanation. For now I’ll try to sleep but I can’t sleep off the feeling that whatever independence, pride, and humility I had has circled the drain and disappeared.

For someday

I ran across a card that said ‘to my mother on my wedding day’. It made me wonder what I would have written to my own mother…

Thank you. Thank you for raising me and teaching me strength and self reliance. It is my determination and independence which have shaped me. Thank you for making me laugh. Now I’m known for my sense of humor. Thank you most of all for your unwavering love and devotion. I never felt alone even when I was most down, and I will never let my own family doubt my love for them. Thank you for being an incredible woman I will always look up to. I hope I would have made you proud.

Not in my own words

Lying in bed after a great Saturday and a brief hurtful second, and I hear words and lyrics, and I can’t sleep. The words I want to say are not my own–they are his actually, and they are a handful of lines from songs I haven’t heard in years but come back. So I’ll get them off my chest so I can sleep tonight and put on a smile tomorrow.

‘I don’t feel like there’s much point of saying anything if it won’t do any good. I’d rather keep it to myself if it won’t change anything.’

‘Can’t take back things already gone but I could give you promises for keeps’-Jack Johnson, ‘What You Thought You Need’

‘Do you know that I could never leave you? And you know I could never beat you? In a fight, I could never fight you, nevermind, I will not forget you’-Breaking Benjamin, ‘Forever’

‘Waiting on the day, when my thoughts are my own. When this house is my home, and plans are made. When you’ll be there for me baby, when you’ll love me all the way. When you’ll take my side in every little fire fight. When you’ll hang your things and stay’-John Mayer, ‘Waiting on the Day’

Where are you now?

Where are you now? Are you disappointed for not having what you thought for sure you’d get? I had a few hours of that before I remembered to be grateful for what I have right here, right now. I spent Christmas with the love of my life. Is everything perfect? No, it’s not but it is the life I want every morning and every night. Be grateful for what you have and remember that there was a time when you didn’t even know what the best part of your life was.

Another day

I woke up this morning grateful. I have a warm bed, and a good job. I have family and friends who care, and I have a man, the live of my life who adores me. Last night I am sitting on the sofa looking out at our Christmas lights. When I turn to him, he is looking at me, not the lights. He is smiling, and my heart is so full. This year, despite everything that has happened, losing my mom and spending so much time away from my soldier, moving and turning my world upside down, I am grateful for all I have. God Bless.

Where I am

I was driving back from the airport yesterday with the Front Range in view, fresh air blowing through my hair, sun warm against my skin. I was okay, I guessed, but I dropped Cash off again. This time he’ll only be gone 12 days back home, but it’s still too long.

I keep seeing that same look on his face when we have to say goodbye again. It kills me, but I smile and do it because I realize more every day how I can’t be without him. Sappy? Maybe, but that’s where I am. I’m here waiting for him.

Sitting at work bored and wishing I could get home…but today it’s to an empty apartment. Now I have all the time in the world to think. I’m wondering about all the little slips and smiles–saying things about a ring and honeymoons. Every time he says something I smile and take a deep breath. It’s best not to let what you want become what you expect.

Part of one day down and hating to sleep alone in that big bed. I missed being tickled while I’m making dinner last night. I am wondering how it is that I haven’t ever felt this way about any other time with anyone else. I stepped out of the fog and I see everything the way it should be, realistically and perfectly.

Who’s to say they don’t come true?

Adele ‘Make You Feel My Love’
Kip Moore ‘Hey Pretty Girl’

I had the most vivid dream last night–I was standing, breathless as Cash is down on one knee…well, you get the point.

Then I’m walking down the aisle with my Mother at my side like we had always planned. She had tears in her eyes the first time we talked about it. When I thought a proposal was looming in the very near future before (funny I wrote looming…if that’s any indication of how I was feeling under the surface of it all along, you’d be correct).

It was the perfect dream, the perfect unfolding of what I want most, what I know could finally bring me back, give me what I need, and to give everything I have to him.

Europe Day 39

If you ever had any doubts that I wouldn’t do anything for you, now is the time to put it to rest. I bought something for myself (well, it’s for you, but it’s for me…does that make sense?) a few minutes ago on the computer. I was reminded tonight that we could explore a few other things and I’m willing to try anything if it will make you happy.

I should see you in a month. 30 days. 720 hours. That last one makes me a little less happy, so I’ll think of it as 4 weeks. That’s better.

Still thinking back to that conversation last night on Skype. You are this force of calm, love, hope, trust, and belief that pulls me in like gravity. I look at you, encircled by your love, in your orbit, and I feel so blessed. I would be just as grateful to fall at your feet but you hold me up when I need you, even if I don’t know it. What will it take to keep this love forever?

A new day

Another long stretch of time since I’ve been on here. I tried a few times but nothing quite made sense and I ended up deleting it all. So to catch up on the last three months: I flew out to Colorado again a month after I drove 3,200 miles round trip to see Cash. We danced at the military ball and I helped him look for apartments. In the course of things, we realized we needed to be together. What is life without the ones you love? Isn’t it supposed to be the pursuit of happiness? Instead we are all so concerned about money, control, material things, and status. What ever happened to going on a trip for the fun of doing it?

So separated by two time zones, Cash and I found an apartment and planned the beginning of my life with him in Colorado. Now, I miss my friends and family, but the new atmosphere has helped. I have new perspective and I feel so small, so humbled, and still very alive when I look West at the mountains. These are the moments I live for now…seeing the smile on my boyfriend’s face when he sees me on the computer from a deployment halfway around the world…hearing my niece giggle over the phone when I tell her I love her…doing 80 on the highway through Kansas and listening to my Mom’s favorite songs.

I lost my Mother about five months ago. She taught me everything I needed to be brave and strong, and do what everyone told me was a crazy mistake: waiting three months for a man I barely knew to come home from a dangerous deployment. Well, I just got crazier–I fell madly in love with him and left everything behind to start a life with him. It hasn’t always been perfect for me here, waiting again while he’s gone, but every time I see his face I am reminded if why I did what I did: I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Maybe I’ve never been crazier, but I’ve never been happier and never more sure.

The most important thing in your life is love. We all know this, but do we hold it up where we should? Do we act on it always? Do we say the words we really want to say, or hold back, doubt, second guess? Take a minute to think about it, and then get it out.

If there was one thing I could say my Mother loved about me, it would be my spirit. I should know, I saw that fight and that faith in her every day. And when she needed it, I was there to hold her and be the spirit that had drained from her. In the end, losing her has made me stronger and better whether I like it or not. Isn’t that a Mother’s lesson, and a reminder of her love?

Wounds heal all time

The Grateful Dead ‘Box of Rain’
Aerosmith ‘Dream On’

It’s been a long blur of hours and days since I wrote last, and still haven’t found the words to say anything important.  I’m not entirely sure I do now, but here I am, fingers dancing across the keys mindlessly.  On a whim I drove to Colorado Springs to see my (now) boyfriend Cash, and I must admit I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

I find myself constantly being reminded by all of the quirky things my Mother did or said.  I laugh out loud, smile on the inside, and come home to cry.  The sight of her still lingers, and I am afraid it always will.  I know it will.  Then again, if I close my eyes I am small again and I smell her Enjoli perfume, I hear her singing in the kitchen, I see her smiling and waiving at me from her door as I drive away in my first car.  I loved her too much to see her in pain, but the way she died is a constant reminder of how much pain she was in to end it all the way she did.  It brings me to tears even now.  Earlier today I realized I had discovered her body only five weeks ago, so maybe it’s not time to let go of the tears or the pain, and maybe that’s okay.