Margot and The Nuclear So and So’s ‘A Light On A Hill’
What the fuck is going on? Don’t ask me. We all live through hate and war, peace-loving activists with their celebrity agendas, fame and fortune. We live through ridiculous circumstances–a rat race to never-ending happiness, a land of milk and honey where we all pop our pills and live a simple life filled with all the complex amenities we can’t live without, and all in one big haze. Who wants the glass half empty? It doesn’t matter as long as there’s enough to swallow our pharmaceutical cure-alls.
Why don’t I have the answers, why don’t I know? Well, it’s this love-hate relationship with myself. More hate than love. It’s because I’m choking down a cure-all of my own. Ten dollars a month gets me even keeled and calm enough not to gasp for air and turn my boyfriend down at bedtime because I can’t breathe. The thing is, it’s killing my sex drive. Not entirely of course, but lets just say I have to go around robinhood’s barn to you know, get there. It’s more one or the other, and trust me, it’s a tough choice choosing to breathe.
Now what?
I’m irritated, stripped of curiosity, tired, lovely yet undesirable. My allergies are flaring up with the humidity and heat wave. My head hurts, my eyes are dry, I hate my job. It always seems hot in my apartment and it’s distracting enough to keep me from thinking too much about the things I need, the things in these four walls left to be desired. I am my house.
Modest Mouse ‘Little Motel’
What about love? Heart asks ‘don’t you want someone to care about you?’ and I shrug. I feel I am painfully ambivalent sometimes and it kills me I can’t always muster a smile for the one who does love me. He stares at me, crinkled brown, cocked head, and says nothing. I can feel the acid rising in his stomach, hear his silent questions, and I have no answers. I wish I did. It’s a phase I want to say. I go through it from time to time and I need to feel like less of a failure, I need a rude awakening to get me out of it. Be patient I want to say. Be less like me….and you don’t deserve me. I mean that in the way that he is better than me, loves people, loves me completely, loves time together and not apart. I mean that I am mean. Not directly (mostly) but just not the sun that shines out his ass…I guess. Where does that leave me? Who knows. No, really, someone has to have the answers, and I would like them to fill me in. What is wrong? I love, I feel, but I hesitate, worry what will happen if it doesn’t all work out.
My own drive and motivation start to slump, ’cause why not? I’ll jump on the wagon with the others and ride off into the silver-screen sunset, so long as I don’t forget my prescription.
