Ray Lamontagne ‘Let It Be Me’
“I remember all too well just how it feels to be all alone. Feels like you’d give anything for just a little place you can call your own.”
This is why my house feels so empty when I’m alone. It’s not living with someone that fills your house, it’s someone living in you that opens up all the quiet spaces and warms you.
Natasha Beddingfield ‘Angel’
Framing Hanley ‘Alone in This Bed (Capeside)’
Which is scarier, never finding someone, or actually finding them? That one person who stops time, the one you’d give anything/do anything for, your port in the storm…are they your saviour or damnation? After all, you don’t know what you’re missing until you’ve had it and it’s gone…
There should be some kind of insurance for breakups, or broken hearts. You’ve invested so much, you need it protected.
In all my overthinking, I know I don’t need insurance, I have assurance. I have a warm embrace and promises, all kept now, and ever. I have sparkling diamonds that flatter and remind me mostly, not of fancy things and money spent, but of the point and purpose: it is all love.
Incubus ‘Echo’
I’ve had all my formative years to prove who I am. Am I strong and independent, active and proactive, or am I cautious and wise? Am I foolish and wandering, unsure but dying to be everything absolute and easy?
I’m scraping eggs out of my kitchen sink at 11 pm and running to the door disheveled and breathless, thinking I hear a knock. I lean in and stand on my tip toes wondering if a mystery visitor is in fact there and maybe just crouched to tie their shoe. There is no one there. I didn’t have anyone in particular in mind, anyone would have done.
In a roundabout way I heard from my father, and I wonder, like Carrie (what girl hasn’t modeled at least some whimsical scenario or scene after hers?) if all my issues and troubles with confidence and men stemmed from never seeing him. I miss him. He asked if we were all doing okay, and I could just tell the parts of him that ache to make up all the twenty-three years without us would help pick up our broken pieces if we really desperately needed him. He can’t bend at the waist anymore, he’s too old, but I’d really like to believe he’d try.
I wonder if I need that change, if I could start over, drive away and lean on the support of someone. Is that a silly, selfish idea? I’m sure it is, and entirely out of the question. Who would it hurt the most? My pride, my love, my family? How I wish for the better life I never had and an easier way around what I’m facing–an exhausting uphill slope. I’d love to get back some of that cheekiness I lost two years ago. I’d love to wake up and drive to the beach in as much time as I could go to the store. I’d love to skip stones, skip town, do something important, something that pays the bills without driving me mad as the march hare. I’d love to take a step backward. Growing up is falling down.
Categories: careers · change · family · jobs · questions · starting over
Matt Nathanson ‘Come on Get Higher’
What is love? Is it never having to say you’re sorry? I must have missed the secret clause that allows us to remove ourselves from being accountable. Huh.
I think the definition needs some revision.
I used to think it was taking a back seat–being passive and staying silent through it all, if it made you hold onto your love. I learned slowly that those actions are loving someone, in stupidity, and that it is one-sided. My foolish notions were masked by my affections, none of which were returned. I can speak of it freely now, with no desire, some hurt, and a whopping amount of embarrassment. Out of everything that happened and I let happen, none of it matters but that it was most certainly not love.
So what really defines the word? What is best about it is it has no set boundary or tangible, singular meaning. It is your boyfriend holding your newborn niece like she is his own, loving your family for whoever they are as you love and accept them yourself. It is his undaunting ability to do the same for you. You are perfect through your imperfections, and all your glory washes over him.
Love is a look and a smile, a just because, a forgiveness, a comfort in presence, a firm grip…it is simply the world in your palm, even as the rest of your world may crash around you in a deafening roar. It is simply not being alone. Love is not just a warm body beside you, but everything you can and have done, everything you wish and want for, and overwhelmingly, everything you will ever need.
It is not always where you wanted it to be, but it’s where your weakest point is, taking you down and raising you back up in an instant. It is where and when you need it the most. We should never stop nurturing it, searching for it, rejoicing when it is found.
