referencing

 

Chance and Circumstance, January 26th, 2008; Commitments Section

‘What we’re all angling for is love. Sure I want it, but it’s got to be the right one. Lucky for some, they’ve already found them.’

Now I see the contrast, and I feel such a mixture. In eleven months the entirety of my romantic expectations and reference points have either evaporated or been turned upside down. What spilled out? A lot of wasted tears and second chances, I suppose.

Part of me still hates that I failed. I couldn’t make Auto love me. If it were tug o’war, I’d have fallen down, defeated and rope-burned. Instead, I left him defeated and rug-burned.

The other part is so elated, and confused to have someone who truly wants every part of and moment with me. Foreign, welcome, intimidating.

Have I joined the crowd, finally? Am I one of the lucky ones? Am I a love-lemming, just running headlong for a cliff to jump off? Inevitably, that is what happens when you…fall…in love.

who what when where why

Ben Folds ‘Luckiest’

What I’d give to ditch town and spend an extended holiday back home. It’s a fuck bottom bugger isn’t it? Ah well, dream big you.

Who else can I really berate in this sad of a disposition? Me.

When I woke up earlier, I wondered where I was.

“…all the stumbles and falls brought me here…”

Why else would I open the door and open my arms to the most grateful face I’ve laid green eyes on. He smiles back with his brown ones.

I may never fly off to Rome at a moment’s notice or have sex on the kitchen floor, but being here isn’t so bad I suppose.

What say you?

the shade of gray

I woke up in the exact same spot as I feel asleep. I’m lying on my back, hands clasped together at hip-level, staring at the ceiling. May as well get up before the alarm goes off and wakes him up. Yeah, him.

“You never tell me how you feel and your moods they always change
I really tried to make it real but you never had the faith
I tried to give you something good to take the pain away
I tried to make you understand you don’t have to be this way”

I know. You think it’s killing you? Killing us? Sure is. It’s one of the better ways to die. At least this way it would be my fault. I’m not stuck in that rut anymore. Someone loves me back, but I hardly deserve it.

gone but not _________.

Josh Groban ‘Awake’

It’s the song I played last year, I heard it on the drive over for his memorial service. They (whoever they are) always say the pain will lessen (which it has to an extent, but has amplified in different ways over the years) and I will forget more and more. It is not so. The ways I need him, and the times I realize how the changes, hardships and happy moments in my life could be his as well, the more bitter and reserved I become. Sometimes though, I’m oddly serene about the whole situation. One thing I never do though, is forget.

mom, apple pie, and the girl who left you behind

Counting Crows ‘Holiday In Spain’

So yeah, I have thought about it. And I think, space would be great. Some time to think, and let all parties involved not just think, but clean up and grow up. That is what I want, and I know, finally moving out and moving on, I want some time alone. I want to make those four walls my own, and have that to live for. What else is there?

What else? All my loves are lost. If I don’t break something myself, it falls apart of sheer circumstance. I am tense, and slipping, myself. I get drunk and write shitty pieces that don’t make sense, and all I want is to get laid and get out. Life. Right?

Maybe I do need some breathing room.

skeletons rattling in the closet

Scouting For Girls ‘Elvis Ain’t Dead’

There is no happily ever after. I’ll prove it. I have the best thing ever now, I really do. I am incredibly happy. Still, something could happen tomorrow. Who knows? But having all that over and done with, but still-unfinished business makes me want it back. Is it him having a hold on me? Can’t see how…there just wasn’t anything I could have done to love him more, or try to make him love me…I don’t have anything left to say or do with him. Over. Yes. But…

My childish whims take over. I’m biting my lip, frowning, and trying to figure out a way back to good. The road is closed, I know. He’s found that new plaything, and I’m sure her eyes shine more than mine, her smile brightens up the room more, her laugh a better response, and her body a better curve than mine. I just want to say, without guilt or recourse, that not ‘living happily ever after with him, makes me want to. It’s broken, and I look back on the failed attempt, not with distaste as I should, but with remorse.

No matter how exciting the present is, the inevitable future looming ahead will haunt, as will the past.

the empty apartment

Staind ‘Right Here’

I am leaving. It’s sad, but it’s best. That’s what I here all around, cutting ties is the best way to not be beaten down. This always happens with the ones I love. They use me up, and let me down. Sometimes I don’t know why I hang on and hold out so long. Then that thing, whatever it is, happens, and you’re back again (on my back).

Regardless, I am flying free. Disappointing, leaving some of my plans behind, but that silence at the end of the day will make every day–past, present, and future–worth it.