decisions about indecision

Hootie and the Blowfish ‘Can’t Find the Time to Tell You’

I’m not going to lie, I kind of miss being depressed. I miss being alone. Three months ago I had endless hours of spare time to ponder my hopes and dreams, and wonder who-what-when-where-why…and how. Now, it seems all laid out for me. All I need to solve the equation is a relatively short, mysterious period of time.

That’s right, I’m talking about every girl’s dream. We all want to get married. Dresses, jewelry, cake, flowers, friends…what’s a more perfect day?

Then again, am I still so engrained with my not-so-feminine nature, that makes me tense up and withdraw at the thought of the whole situation. I can’t see myself freaking and ducking out of this relationship, or a potential marriage. It’s a serious thing, and it happened seriously fast. But, I could see myself back to the good that wasn’t really good at all, alone with my music, scotch, and keyboard. I could see repeating my mistakes of rushing to North Carolina, but taking the extra distance farther south. Do I love Auto? Do I still love him? Can you love two people at the same time? Do I honestly buy into that man-myth/excuse?

No.

It’s a phase. Periodically I realize my mother was right. It’s hard to remember trying to rise above her high standards of me, but now I see why she always set the bar out of reach–every day I’m beneath it I’m reminded of where I should be, and it’s not here. You’re not going to finish school, you’re not going to have a good job, and you’re not going to get married, she’d say. Well, I’m in the right place.

I’m rambling.

So am I headed in the right direction to failure, or a planned-out, all-of-a-sudden future? Which is the lesser of evils? Are either of them bad? Would I be happy puttering through things after my own fashion–in the trademark amusing and jaded way I always have–or will I hang a perfect photo of a rainbows and sunshine life on my wall?

Will I let myself be happy?