tipping point

Seabear ‘Owl Waltz’

I was at a concert a couple weeks ago, and it wasn’t until that night, after an entire day of companionship (as we laughed over dirty sheets and sunburn) that I made up my mind. It sounds funny, being in a relationship for any period of time at all, and letting yourself be pulled apart with the past, indecision, indiscretion, but it’s harder (and even more stupid) to let go than it sounds.

Something in me just snapped. Like a rubber band I felt the sting, but not the pain. I was drowning but not thrashing–the tide of whatever good thing he embodies had swept me away and held me under.

consenting adults (part two)

Cary Brothers ‘If You Were Here’

I went there hesitant about my opinions on marriage and commitment. Even sitting there, whispering amusing commentary to Simon, I felt awkward, out of place, even a little bitter. Would I watch them live out their lives happily, or would I see it go on like I had with everyone’s relationship–extend to a point and drop off into oblivion.

I saw the two newlyweds sitting together off to one side of the reception. They looked tired, but the happiness and relief showed right through.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all–maybe my distaste and inhibitions about marriage is just succumbing to dramatizations and age-old fear of failure. I’m not saying I’d go tie the knot tomorrow, but spending the rest of my life with someone is a series of days to months to years. If I’m stuck with myself, I’m sure I could manage time with someone more tolerable, loveable even.

Ah, and congratulations to my friends. I can see why people stand up and speak those words, take those vows. It’s more than a piece of paper and a couple of rings. It’s simple, but it’s meaning, profound.

an ode to early commitment: wedding series part one

‘Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they’ve turned to dust.’ This was something my Mother spouted on a fairly frequent basis, mainly though, when I was complaining. She’d explain to me how life wasn’t fair, how I shouldn’t expect to get anything in my favour. Then she’d delve into why I shouldn’t let that get me down.

‘You can be a harem dancer, or a good woman.’ It was her direct but gentle way of notifying me again, that, in case I got the wrong idea, things weren’t going according to my plan. I was not going to be sucessful, and now, I was destined, and strictly deserving of the life of Carol Brady–nothing more, nothing less.

‘Take it a day at a time. But most of all, find someone who makes you more happy than sad.’ The advice I try to follow. In the end, sometimes, whether you want a nine-to-five, or a gig across town, you may not be satisfied with the road you’re headed down. You may bat your eyelashes and end up in a world of trouble, or you may always take the moral high-ground and feel mundane. Instead, do, be with, trust in, fall for, whatever makes you more happy than sad.

Thanks, Mother. You’re right–maybe one day (though you’ve said I don’t deserve to wear the symbol of purity) I’ll be the one wearing the white dress, tossing the bouquet.

But maybe I’ll be the one in the corner watching all the hysterical girls grasping for what they think they want. Guess we’ll watch it play out.

more to come

Anberlin ‘Time and Confusion’

I dreamt last night about rolling over, early, unforgiving sun streaming in, and found you there beside me. How many times now have you held me, laid there with me? It’s more magical though, with messy hair and sleep still hanging in my head. It was your birthday, and for once, we were the first to share something with each other–the first moments of the day we couldn’t rewind, take back, or erase. I almost said it, those damn words, but held my tongue. Not yet, I thought. You smiled. I said three different ones as an adequate replacement (and cover-up for the adoring gaze).

‘Happy Birthday, baby.’

The first of many?

I just wanna know…

…the things no one else asks. I’m not full of questions for God, like why he took away the people I needed the most.

I don’t wanna know why the ones you love do the things they do, I want to know why they don’t do the things they should.

I want to know why overweight white-haired men with ZZ Top beards parade around LAX with a santa sweatshirt hugging little kids. Isn’t he far from the North Pole?

I want to know why we can’t let ourselves be happy? Why do we stare in disbelief when we should have known all along it was the best (or worst) thing for ourselves? Why do we lie to ourselves–because we don’t know why we held on, or held back in the first place?

I want to know why everyone cares so much about politics. I want to know how we indubitably end up like our parents, and I want to know why we don’t fall in love more often.

te adoro

Seabear ‘Lost Watch’

I’m struggling to write positively for a change. I am not, if it’s any consolation (to anyone, including my writer’s block self), my day-to-day overflows with a change in perspective, and a security and happiness I can’t hide.

stranger in a strange land

I am. I am lost, and confused, but I am delighted. I am almost sort of half-in love. I am blind and deaf, fumbling around, clueless as to my surroundings, but everything I say about it, everything I hear, sounds better each day.

What if I caught the bouquet this weekend? I don’t entirely recall the exact significance of it. If it’s about luck, I’m not sure I need it.

It’s an unworthy feeling looking for love, and having it return your gaze–my heart says I’ll have to get used to that somehow because it’s going to hang around awhile longer than I’m accustomed to.

My (his) (…our) new found glory is almost more than I can take. Like all the unfortunate chance and circumstance, I can’t help myself. The difference is, I don’t want to this time.

making up for lost time

Default ‘It Only Hurts’

I’ve gone back to not feeling myself. It’s clearly purposeful, but why? Why do we chose to make ourselves unhappy? Do you ever get that bored?

I saw a tee shirt today that read ‘half my heart is deployed’

I thought first of M. I wondered if he was doing well, and how I took a chance a year ago to save myself and to save him. I still feel betrayed, fool’s stigmata marking me, reminding me.

Regardless, I got a pit in my stomach that made me want to catch a train and get the hell out of here.

hallmark has nothin’ on you

Keane ‘Try Again’

I finally got what I was looking for. Not face-to-face closure, and not reciprocation. I got a thank you. There was no apology, no empty words, no regret or wistfulness. It was a genuine, straightforward appreciation. I could paraphrase. The words took me by such surprise.

When everyone else left, you were still there. You tried so hard. You gave me everything, and I don’t understand why, but it meant a lot to me. Thank you.

Saying you’re welcome in Spanish translates loosely as of (or it is) nothing. It is nothing. In retrospect, I think all we need is a good thank you. Thinking back, I would have traded difficult times, obstacles, stress, heartache, for that recognition of my efforts. A simple tip of the hat will do, you know what I mean?

made to order

Cobra Starship ‘The World Has It’s Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime)’

‘Tall-iced-skinny-white-mocha-extra-shot…please’

I feel more alive than ever, but we all need some help from the barista now and then.