for future reference

Anberlin ‘Hello Alone’

There were words right there………dammit. On the tip of my tongue, but engulfed in air, gasps, and swallowed back down, I lost my nerve and the opportunity.  A lesson I should learn–speak first, think later. Normally one’s advised on the contrary, but my case is one of extremes.

I’m not going to screw you over. There. But…of course the words are lost here, and somehow not lost at all on him (he still awaits one of my nicknames), but…that doesn’t stop me from staying mum.

So I’m scared, I’ll admit. When do we start really feeling any different? Scared we’ll end up alone. No longer alone, scared they’ll leave you. Committed, scared you’ll lose touch, break connection. It never ends. Feeling safe teetering on the edge of a new reality should be comfort enough for me, given my past, and in the here-and-now it is, but terrifies me to no end regardless. Rush? I could. Crawl? Waiting for someone who fits so well has been a long time coming, I’d rather fly. Know better? Of course. Help myself? Of course not.

One returned glance and smile, and I was done.