I don’t make the bullets I just shoot ‘em (part 2)

And…I’d like to save one for myself. I’m being pulled in so many directions and I’m on the brink of drawing on everyone and walking away. I’d die to, and I’d die if I did. What would make me happiest is to leave it behind, and keep my eye on one thing, and one thing only. Then again, when do we get what we want?

two, twenty-six, thirty-three

Jimmy Eat World ‘The Most Beautiful Things’

I have time. I have two days before the usual, still fought, uncontrollable decent into the worst month of work and memories and fellowship of the year.

I have twenty-six days until the one I wait all year to remember and all of that specific day to forget. Christmas Eve. When all eyes are on me to let it pass, fade, and leave behind, but what I cannot.

I have thirty-three days before the eve of a do-over. The day I may christen by a potential scale-tiping euphoric evening with Auto (The conversation filler of ‘never been’ could have easily been met with a simple ‘huh’ but instead was responded by an idea, somewhat of a promise). The thought of making up for lost time, starting fresh, improving, changing for the better, and the proverbial midnight kiss is enthralling. One musn’t get hopes up though. The days will go by regardless.

once more; yet another sonnet

breathless words you will whisper in my ear
nails pressed hard against your back you will feel
the things I want to say you will not hear
my words and heart are not the first you steal
though you left I thought never to return
and even if your apologies hurt
the tears that stained my face would never burn
as much as the longing beat against my shirt
now daydreams for weeks that passed came true
healing comes with laughter and long nights
which soon ended in gazing up at you
and lie quietly by me without lights
if only I could make myself let go
or uncover truth to let feelings show

wake up with the words on your lips

Chevelle ‘Well Enough Alone’

I’m crushing every bit of alcohol I can find in the cabinet or fridge when I suddenly stop and realize: that’s really pathetic. I used to drink so rarely. Now, knowing it won’t make me feel any better, or solve any problems, I want to feel out of control of my emotions and motions for the evening.

“My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize…your arms like towers, tower over me. We are broken………’

I…have no idea

What a surprise, when the awkward ‘why???’ question comes up from the best friend/lover disappearing act and the response is……….drumroll please:

“I. have no….idea. I didn’t know honestly. He’s a strange one sometimes.”

Well fuck me. Well check that off the list if you don’t mind and move on to something that doesn’t involve your heavy breathing and my nails in your back. So I have no answer. I got a proxy ‘What’s up?’ over the phone.

Suddenly Hawaii isn’t so far away, but neither is the wry-smiling, nervous boy in front of me. Oh, and the pressure, though sworn-off is still there all the while as the jangle of my mobile phone interrupts errupts of laughter and stories catch-up style. Does it still hurt? Is it real pain or the sting of rejection?

I’ve been playing second fiddle, but in a quiet, breathless and vindictive, vengeful way I am none other for the evening. The tender hair strokes and ’sweetie’s are not being given out at the door, no. They are exclusive, and though I may not be able to hold a gaze for long I mentally swoon and memorize what my eyes return.

I rush, and rush and I feel every pulse, thinking it’s my heart beating, only to discover I am half right–it’s the throbbing in my head. Call it confusion, excitement, anticipation, or pain. Call it love, loss, hope…I…have no idea.

But my hair carries the scent of your cologne, and my pillow (if I can ever get the adrenaline rush at bay) will as well. As I say many times, it’ll linger.

reprint request

As per request, a repost of the original (my words, yes) ‘Death of a Love Affair’

Like flowers quickly wilting you will see
As time has been more painful and unfair
How your presence has overtaken me
You’re flawless from my spectre’s pining stare
A fondness bloomed when first our eyes did meet
Each passing day affection did grow strong
Petals of sweet release tangled in sheets
While blissful night wore into morning long
One day our fragile roots destroyed by weeds
Our seperation seemed an endless maze
With no one to fulfill my passion’s need
I withered more each day without your gaze
Deprived of you my hope and will was lost
To be with you again I’ll pay the cost

It still holds true. For me, for anyone, who wants to forget, but cannot. For anyone that holds on, and hates themself the next morning, no matter how much they may smile and watch adoringly the night before. For anyone that has died, over and over, even with weeks or days, and tries to bring the love back to life.

Utterly astonished

Do you see me? Or see right through me?

‘I am like shattered glass
Cutting those who touch me
I have been broken
I am hard and sharp
People can see through me
They know that I can hurt them
I am never confronted
I am always walked around’

job for magic 8 ball

A word of advice from a song recently overplayed in my stereo:

Counting Crows ‘Anna Begins’

“My friend assures me, “It’s all or nothing.”
I am not worried I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, “For one time only,
make an exception.” I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
“Oh,” she says, “you’re changing.”
But we’re always changing

It does not bother me to say this isn’t love
Because if you don’t want to talk about it then it isn’t love
And I guess I’m going to have to live with that
But I’m sure there’s something in a shade of grey,
Something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that’s what you mean

My friend assures me, “It’s all or nothing.”
But I am not really worried I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget I am not worried
“If it’s love,” she said, “then we’re going to have to think about the consequences.”
She can’t stop shaking I can’t stop touching her and…

This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
“These seconds when I’m shaking leave me shuddering for days,” she says
And I’m not ready for this sort of thing”

There is, unfortuantely, a reason for my chilly, heartless demeanour. I am unsure. I was never more sure of Cory. He was the level head on my shoulders, the cream in my coffee (heh), and my reason.

Now I teeter on the edge and peer over, threatening a balance I’m not even sure I have. I repeat: I am unsure. I cannot gather the will power to walk away, but I cannot let go of a potential that keeps me awake and smiling long after the clock glares at my irresponsible and girlish actions. I’d ask someone to flip a coin to make me decide, but knowing me, I’d ask for a do-over right away.

getting down

Stabbing Westward ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’ 

I feel heartless and heart….er, heartful at the same time. I know there’s something important to be said, and I’m awkwardly expectant and dreading too.

I just don’t wanna get in too far with all this. I’d confess my reoccuring sin, I’d explain, if I could look you in the eye, how I’m backsliden, how I’ve gone back again into a full eclipse. How I’m being completely overshadowed by my swelling heart and how I don’t know when I’ll be the same again. How I’m gone. How I may never have left.

I’m completely free, yet I am untrue in a way. I’m smelling cologne in my hair, but it’s not what I’m used to waking up to. I should spend the night, but that feeling doesn’t last long–the euphoria of not being alone.

feel me?

Who else but me knows I can’t get through a day or a post here without expressing my obssessive nature, most especially through a song. Turn it up, because I’m all full volume about this one.

And by the same artist, a few thoughts he souls-out I can’t help but nod my head to……………

“So Don’t Say To Me
That You Wanna Be
Be Good Friends With Me
That’s Just Teasing Me”