missing

I spent at least 5 minutes in the store reading the amusing messages on the aussie hair products. I’m missing something in my life. Go for it? Yes I did, and life dealt me a good card this time around, for the time being at least (once a cynic always a cynic, sorry). And going away? Today was a mixed bag with thoughts on the matter–a well rounded, successful day at work, but on the outside–not so much. Just hate to lose that bond with my sister. I’d miss the day to day–I hardly see her as it is.

Well these are the problems we encounter every day. And life. goes. on.

sex talk hair party

one of the many pleasures of young bored girls. Good friends, good conversation topics, good ‘big sexy hair’ and related activities. And bad bowling, however related (well, unrelated) that is. How much fun are we? So much.

old words and thoughts from an angry past

“you’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time–what are you hoping for?”

How do you put back the pieces when you’re made of glass? You can’t avoid the cuts, have to bleed first to heal.

10/16/06
I got home in time to watch the sun rise. How trite you say, and I agree but I watched it without fear of judgement. The vivid hues overtook the dark October sky and I realized I’d never really appreciate how lovely it was. Just me, exhausted, leaning on the corner post of my deck, looking out. Not thinking. Not at all. I felt different; everything you experience changes you, like molded clay, but somehow you end up conforming to the same shape. I went back in my room, nipped off the light and fell straight to sleep. I was alone and everything was as it should be.

I never wanted to unlock you…like a secret, a puzzle I never would figure out…what I needed, a mirror to give you…so you would find yourself…and leave me out.

details

the greatest fall of all isn’t falling in love, it’s falling out.  I was at the store this evening and witnessed it.  There was a couple in the parking lot talking to someone they knew, but the whole scene was riddled with awkwardness.  She looked whistful and distracted. He looked tense and uncomfortable. They brushed arms and flinched, as if by accident, like two strangers embarrassed at chance physical contact.

My mind wandered thinking exactly how this happens–boredom, other people, other men and women? Thinking back I think I’ll go with critical anaylsis. When people are unhappy, and I’ve seen this a thousand times at least, they find the closest thing to them to pick apart. Eventually don’t you so easily fall into believing all this? If you didn’t, how foolish and malicious would you be.

Still, how does anyone wake up one day and look at the person next to them and say ‘fuck no’…? How do you fall out of love with someone? If it’s love, does it really fade, lose intensity…isn’t that the defining point of love, that it never fails, never diminishes, that it lasts forever?

That leads me to my next thought: was it love then? or were you just in love with the idea of that person. People are quite good at lying to themselves. We have the gift of persuasion and use it best on ourselves unfortunately. So how can you tell if there’s just one person for you, or one person you want to be for you?

All of this from catching a few unhappy people. Can you imagine what God sees from His view? I’d weep for days or explode, one or the other.

the uphill slope

…is the euphoric bliss-filled time period before the downhill spiral. The time you think ‘it’s getting better, man’ and you wake up with something to smile about. But the inevitable, moreso for the embittered cynic, looms ahead waiting to rain on your parade. And it will. For now I’ll just try to enjoy the sunshine.

hello? hello?…hello??

I want to be there. I want to take care of you.  It’s not because I’m desperate or lonely. Well, not just that.  I’ll try not for my mind to run away with itself, that’s a terrible turn-around-and-run trigger and that’s the one thing that’d slay me right now.  You’re something to look forward to.  Does that sound pathetically, hopelessly romantic? Well it is.  My apologies. I don’t even mind saying the same salutation a million times a night. Turn around and run? Even if I wanted to I’m not sure I could which is silly since it’s seemingly the most innocent way possible.

You don’t say?

Stormy weather. And unbearably humid even before the rain fell and stuck my shirt to me.  I lay down, half drowned, on my bed fighting sleep in the hopes of a less-restless night.  My mind wanders back to one plus one for the thirty-eighth time today…I’m taking it easy on my mind today.  Why am I so impossible? I’ve been reminded about ‘the game’ and how poorly I play it.  What can I say, not one for competitive games.  Sue me.  Or dump me, which seems to solve the problem sufficiently enough.  There appears to be no pleasing me but…ah, think what you will.  Where distance doesn’t mean time I find myself lacking in attraction, especially when I crossed that bridge already and quite proudly burned it as soon as I did.  Where distance means a week, a month, a year (and part of one again), no matter how you look at it, well, herein lies the question ‘are you thinking what I’m thinking?’  The tentative wondering, hesitant yet endless questioning (of him and myself), and the somewhat forbidden idea of romantic thoughts given his connections and their most-recent inflictions against me leave a scattered ‘yes, no! well…maybe? oh gosh, please…but, if only’ response.  Me and my cart before the horse never make life easier to figure out.  As if anyone really does.

musings

Quotes, unknowns, sayings, and some of my own thoughts

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Depression is anger sans enthusiasm

It’s not what you wear it’s how you take it off. Nice, huh? I thought so too.

“Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you’re a human being, you feel, you suffer.”–Marilyn Monroe

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”–Anonymous

Late one night (well more like morning) I found myself parked on the couch (well, big loveseat) shrowded in the heavy silence of a sleeping house.  It was quite unbearable at some point because I flicked on the television.  The whole moment made me so damn unhappy yet it’s all I seem to want.  I wait for some peaceful time to myself but I hate needing to break that silence somehow.

How can you dislike something and desperately need it at the same time? That seems self-loathing to me.

“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do you start missing everybody.”–Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye

Human nature, you can’t escape it. Wanting exactly what you can never have or what you’ll never have again.

Stare like no one will catch you, trip like you’ve never been laughed at, and live like tomorrow’s gotta be better.  It’s never gonna be a perfect world, right?

not such a fantastic feeling

I went to see a movie a few nights ago.  One scene in particular stood out to me–the wedding scene.  Not in a fairy-tale, if-only sort of way but with a familiar sting.  The girl, standing nervously in her white gown.  Her brother enters the room and starts in poking fun and making the usual jokes at her expense.  Then the exchange–the sweet little moment between a brother and his sister, the protective wish-you-well.

 What a stab to the heart.  What I’ll miss.  Every day is a new day to live your life.  But it’s one he can’t.  Another day full of potential memories and sweet little moments that seem incomplete without him present.  I miss you Mick.

silly me

There’s a scene in When Harry Met Sally where Harry’s talking about his split with his wife. He says his wife suggest they can date again and adds, “who wants to date their wife? nobody. she’s supposed to love you.”

So why on earth would I want to go out on the town with a former we-took-this-too-fast?  That’s too masocistic for my taste honestly.  It’s like asking for it knowing there won’t be a ‘hold me after’.