Sara Bareilles ‘Between the Lines’
“I’m only here to finish planning the wedding”. Seriously, did he just slip in a covert way to mention he’s getting married without telling me? Well, I guess I’m happy for him, but to her I say this: don’t get a potentially terminal illness and expect him to stay by your side. He’ll be gone in an instant, fucking some girl at a college in Ohio and blaming his sudden change of plans to stay by your side and wallow in true passionate love forever.
Fuck you. Whether you’re getting married or not. This is the third (previous) guy of mine to go off and live happily ever after with a girl by the same name. Call me, well, female, but it seems like more than a coincidence to me.
And what about me? I’m neglecting a sweet guy who’s madly in love with me. What would I do without him, I don’t know. It does not, however, keep me from being bitter about my circumstances. No one can have it all, but I wanted the strong guy, the one who fixes my broken stuff. I wanted the tough guy, the one who takes tough love and gives it back, likes to get dirty, and doesn’t hesitate. Instead, I am the one hesitating. I am the one left (always) and left to wonder where this is going. No, not in the normal girl needy-ness, just the general questions, and the really important ones.
I have been told how committed he is at least ten thousand times, but how is it again? It may be the best romantic intention he can fathom, and genuine at that, but still… I cannot help but think he will not be there to catch me. When I needed help for a few days before I got paid, he was there. He was there bitching about money and frustration, and not taking time to budget things out for himself. I felt weak and guilty, not grateful. I did not feel dependent, I felt depended on, even when I needed help most. When it really matters, will he rise above the racket of a co-op attack on the tele or poor decisions and a lack of motivation to step up beside me? Or will I have to keep stopping to let him catch up?
How much more can I slow my pace? I have, honestly. I know relationships are give and take. I’ve calmed down and taken my days one at a time with some mindfulness. I’ve compromised my type A personality to accommodate his lack of over-neurosis, and know he will not be just like me. We are two different people and while that is what makes us great together, what made us fall in love, I have to ask, are we too different?
Am I asking too much? Will he just not be responsible and I should take him exactly as he is? I have, and again, I love him for who he is. Then again, how exactly does he take me? If we both follow that rule, there is a big space between us.