The pink elephant in the room

I don’t know if I’m angry, or if I’m crushed and humiliated enough that I feel like I should be angry. Almost every day since our vacation I’ve had someone ask or hint, someone look at my hand for a ring that’s not there. It shouldn’t be a big deal at all, and of course I wouldn’t be so hurt if I had assumed. What seems like a lifetime ago I truly believed you could never rely on anyone for anything. It’s human nature, we disappoint each other. So if I had just thought he was going to get on one knee in the white sand and ask because that’s what I wanted so badly–a real commitment that meant growing up, devotion, finally being the only girl–than it would be ok that it didn’t happen. My suspicions would have been incorrect as they were before when I thought he was planning it, and I’d have swallowed my pride, pushed down the feelings and moved on. It’s worked so many times in the past, it would work again. But it didn’t and it can’t, and it’s all because of a damn email. So a hundred questions begin–did you not realize if you forward a response that the entire email chain can be seen? That I could see you type that I was your ‘fiancée’  to a total stranger? Or was it purposeful? Now what? Of course the last day of vacation I couldn’t squash the disappointment any longer and he saw my tears. I didn’t pour it all out–how my heart leapt when he suggested a romantic nighttime walk on the beach with drinks that came with a heartfelt soliloquy about how amazing our trip was, how much he loved me, how beautiful I looked…only to end in a walk back to our room or to the bar for another Mai Tai. I didn’t share how hopeful I was when he suggested we watch the sunrise over the ocean together on our last day, or how it hurt again when he suggested that morning that we just stay in bed…there was no plan, there was no question waiting to be asked. There was just me feeling like a total idiot, and when we got back stateside, looking like one to everyone I knew. I didn’t go around announcing what I thought he had planned, but everyone thought the same thing I did–after a dozen conversations while he was deployed about a ring, after all the hints and suggestions (it’s 11:11…I made a wish for our future together…) that there was no doubt at all that I’d come back from vacation an honest woman. When I couldn’t hide it anymore and it started to spill out, I showed him the email right there on the beach because he insisted to know what was wrong. Of course he said he had plans, but what he wanted to get me was too expensive, then later the explanation changed and he could afford it but…and trailed off.  So don’t do anything? Don’t do the more reasonable thing, just nothing? It seems selfish to be upset, but then again, it seems more clear after all of it, that it wasn’t a matter of time or money, it just comes down to that it didn’t happen. If you’re not ready you’re not ready, and where I understand that completely, why call me ‘fiancée’? Why hint, why ask so many detailed questions about a ring for months and months, why? Why? Now there’s something between us and it hurts because we both know what it is, and he looks like a whipped dog and I want to cry. He feels like he screwed up and I want to crawl in a hole. We fought about something stupid a few nights ago and when I came back home after cooling off he told me he thought I was more upset because I was hurt over something else. Well of course. All I can do is shrug and try really hard to push it all down. I’m far less cold than I was a few years ago, and sometimes I hate myself for it. Now to push it down I have to stand on a pile of shitty feelings and jump. It means I love him more than anyone before. It also means he can hurt me more than anyone has.

Where are you now?

Where are you now? Are you disappointed for not having what you thought for sure you’d get? I had a few hours of that before I remembered to be grateful for what I have right here, right now. I spent Christmas with the love of my life. Is everything perfect? No, it’s not but it is the life I want every morning and every night. Be grateful for what you have and remember that there was a time when you didn’t even know what the best part of your life was.

Another day

I woke up this morning grateful. I have a warm bed, and a good job. I have family and friends who care, and I have a man, the live of my life who adores me. Last night I am sitting on the sofa looking out at our Christmas lights. When I turn to him, he is looking at me, not the lights. He is smiling, and my heart is so full. This year, despite everything that has happened, losing my mom and spending so much time away from my soldier, moving and turning my world upside down, I am grateful for all I have. God Bless.

Where I am

I was driving back from the airport yesterday with the Front Range in view, fresh air blowing through my hair, sun warm against my skin. I was okay, I guessed, but I dropped Cash off again. This time he’ll only be gone 12 days back home, but it’s still too long.

I keep seeing that same look on his face when we have to say goodbye again. It kills me, but I smile and do it because I realize more every day how I can’t be without him. Sappy? Maybe, but that’s where I am. I’m here waiting for him.

Sitting at work bored and wishing I could get home…but today it’s to an empty apartment. Now I have all the time in the world to think. I’m wondering about all the little slips and smiles–saying things about a ring and honeymoons. Every time he says something I smile and take a deep breath. It’s best not to let what you want become what you expect.

Part of one day down and hating to sleep alone in that big bed. I missed being tickled while I’m making dinner last night. I am wondering how it is that I haven’t ever felt this way about any other time with anyone else. I stepped out of the fog and I see everything the way it should be, realistically and perfectly.

Who’s to say they don’t come true?

Adele ‘Make You Feel My Love’
Kip Moore ‘Hey Pretty Girl’

I had the most vivid dream last night–I was standing, breathless as Cash is down on one knee…well, you get the point.

Then I’m walking down the aisle with my Mother at my side like we had always planned. She had tears in her eyes the first time we talked about it. When I thought a proposal was looming in the very near future before (funny I wrote looming…if that’s any indication of how I was feeling under the surface of it all along, you’d be correct).

It was the perfect dream, the perfect unfolding of what I want most, what I know could finally bring me back, give me what I need, and to give everything I have to him.

Europe Day 39

If you ever had any doubts that I wouldn’t do anything for you, now is the time to put it to rest. I bought something for myself (well, it’s for you, but it’s for me…does that make sense?) a few minutes ago on the computer. I was reminded tonight that we could explore a few other things and I’m willing to try anything if it will make you happy.

I should see you in a month. 30 days. 720 hours. That last one makes me a little less happy, so I’ll think of it as 4 weeks. That’s better.

Still thinking back to that conversation last night on Skype. You are this force of calm, love, hope, trust, and belief that pulls me in like gravity. I look at you, encircled by your love, in your orbit, and I feel so blessed. I would be just as grateful to fall at your feet but you hold me up when I need you, even if I don’t know it. What will it take to keep this love forever?

A new day

Another long stretch of time since I’ve been on here. I tried a few times but nothing quite made sense and I ended up deleting it all. So to catch up on the last three months: I flew out to Colorado again a month after I drove 3,200 miles round trip to see Cash. We danced at the military ball and I helped him look for apartments. In the course of things, we realized we needed to be together. What is life without the ones you love? Isn’t it supposed to be the pursuit of happiness? Instead we are all so concerned about money, control, material things, and status. What ever happened to going on a trip for the fun of doing it?

So separated by two time zones, Cash and I found an apartment and planned the beginning of my life with him in Colorado. Now, I miss my friends and family, but the new atmosphere has helped. I have new perspective and I feel so small, so humbled, and still very alive when I look West at the mountains. These are the moments I live for now…seeing the smile on my boyfriend’s face when he sees me on the computer from a deployment halfway around the world…hearing my niece giggle over the phone when I tell her I love her…doing 80 on the highway through Kansas and listening to my Mom’s favorite songs.

I lost my Mother about five months ago. She taught me everything I needed to be brave and strong, and do what everyone told me was a crazy mistake: waiting three months for a man I barely knew to come home from a dangerous deployment. Well, I just got crazier–I fell madly in love with him and left everything behind to start a life with him. It hasn’t always been perfect for me here, waiting again while he’s gone, but every time I see his face I am reminded if why I did what I did: I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Maybe I’ve never been crazier, but I’ve never been happier and never more sure.

The most important thing in your life is love. We all know this, but do we hold it up where we should? Do we act on it always? Do we say the words we really want to say, or hold back, doubt, second guess? Take a minute to think about it, and then get it out.

If there was one thing I could say my Mother loved about me, it would be my spirit. I should know, I saw that fight and that faith in her every day. And when she needed it, I was there to hold her and be the spirit that had drained from her. In the end, losing her has made me stronger and better whether I like it or not. Isn’t that a Mother’s lesson, and a reminder of her love?

Wounds heal all time

The Grateful Dead ‘Box of Rain’
Aerosmith ‘Dream On’

It’s been a long blur of hours and days since I wrote last, and still haven’t found the words to say anything important.  I’m not entirely sure I do now, but here I am, fingers dancing across the keys mindlessly.  On a whim I drove to Colorado Springs to see my (now) boyfriend Cash, and I must admit I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

I find myself constantly being reminded by all of the quirky things my Mother did or said.  I laugh out loud, smile on the inside, and come home to cry.  The sight of her still lingers, and I am afraid it always will.  I know it will.  Then again, if I close my eyes I am small again and I smell her Enjoli perfume, I hear her singing in the kitchen, I see her smiling and waiving at me from her door as I drive away in my first car.  I loved her too much to see her in pain, but the way she died is a constant reminder of how much pain she was in to end it all the way she did.  It brings me to tears even now.  Earlier today I realized I had discovered her body only five weeks ago, so maybe it’s not time to let go of the tears or the pain, and maybe that’s okay.

What happens in a month

Easter Sunday I found my mother’s body. She committed suicide in her house. I can’t sleep since that day, and when I do, I wake up sweating and crying. Then two weeks later Cash came home from Africa and flew here to see me. It was more than I thought it would be. He is perfect. I love him, but a girl just doesn’t say it first. He is here for me during all of this and I am grateful. Now that I have to move on with my life I’m glad he is by my side, even if it’s from 1,500 miles away.

What if (all over again)

Miranda Lambert ‘Over You’

I fell asleep while Skyping with Cash last night, but I woke up in time to hear him still talking to me as I slept, telling me he was falling for me.  I tried to keep sleeping because I couldn’t stop listening to what he wanted to tell me.  Should I feel bad?  I know I’ve said before that a guy is different from all of the others, but he is good, decent, respectful, sweet…he is responsible, dedicated, funny, affectionate, chivalrous…

What if…what if this is it?  I closed my eyes one night after we spoke on the phone, and I felt overwhelmed and tears welling up.  That moment I realized I was falling in love with him.

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