Turning another page on the calendar

Jason Mraz ‘Absolutely Zero’

I am so tired. It’s not the sleepy kind of tired, it’s a mental worn-down-spirit kind of exhaustion. I’ve felt this way before, but I’ve crushed it down for a lot longer before it explodes. Now even that feels like it would take too much energy and trouble. I take a back seat to family, friends, imaginary timelines, a lack of interest, and hobbies. My happiness and our future is less important than a weekend trip to shoot an animal and the thousands of dollars associated with it. I feel guilty buying myself a sweater when it’s cold out and I don’t have enough. I would rather spend what I have on our apartment, gifts, or doing things. We don’t all think the same and I’m trying to come to terms with that. When my sister came to visit it wasn’t any different than when I lived in Maryland–rude at a cost of what? Being a considerate guest? Treating me with respect? It’s just me and it just doesn’t matter. My mother told me once I was a doormat. I promised myself I would change that, but I’ve discovered it’s hard for people to change who they are or how they feel.

If I love someone enough I will overlook all the hurtful details far more before I throw up my hands, cut my losses and go. So…what’s the big deal? Why change when there’s nothing wrong with how it works for you.

Nighttime daydreams

I’m lying here while Cash is training late, not able to sleep. I’m starting to realize he will never take another step forward toward me. After everything I’ve figured out, the backpedaling, the stories and confusion I’m still unsure if he will see true value in what we have. Love is different for everyone–for some it means committing yourself and trusting someone else. For others it is love, and nothing more, just a wall up. So I’m being selfish I suppose trying to determine if he loves me enough to make any of the dozens of marriage references a reality, or if it’s just something that sounds good–just a daydream. I won’t solve it wondering, but I won’t solve it lying awake all night. I have more–who knows, maybe hundreds more–nights to let the same thoughts flounder and go unanswered.

For someday

I ran across a card that said ‘to my mother on my wedding day’. It made me wonder what I would have written to my own mother…

Thank you. Thank you for raising me and teaching me strength and self reliance. It is my determination and independence which have shaped me. Thank you for making me laugh. Now I’m known for my sense of humor. Thank you most of all for your unwavering love and devotion. I never felt alone even when I was most down, and I will never let my own family doubt my love for them. Thank you for being an incredible woman I will always look up to. I hope I would have made you proud.

Not in my own words

Lying in bed after a great Saturday and a brief hurtful second, and I hear words and lyrics, and I can’t sleep. The words I want to say are not my own–they are his actually, and they are a handful of lines from songs I haven’t heard in years but come back. So I’ll get them off my chest so I can sleep tonight and put on a smile tomorrow.

‘I don’t feel like there’s much point of saying anything if it won’t do any good. I’d rather keep it to myself if it won’t change anything.’

‘Can’t take back things already gone but I could give you promises for keeps’-Jack Johnson, ‘What You Thought You Need’

‘Do you know that I could never leave you? And you know I could never beat you? In a fight, I could never fight you, nevermind, I will not forget you’-Breaking Benjamin, ‘Forever’

‘Waiting on the day, when my thoughts are my own. When this house is my home, and plans are made. When you’ll be there for me baby, when you’ll love me all the way. When you’ll take my side in every little fire fight. When you’ll hang your things and stay’-John Mayer, ‘Waiting on the Day’

Where are you now?

Where are you now? Are you disappointed for not having what you thought for sure you’d get? I had a few hours of that before I remembered to be grateful for what I have right here, right now. I spent Christmas with the love of my life. Is everything perfect? No, it’s not but it is the life I want every morning and every night. Be grateful for what you have and remember that there was a time when you didn’t even know what the best part of your life was.

Another day

I woke up this morning grateful. I have a warm bed, and a good job. I have family and friends who care, and I have a man, the live of my life who adores me. Last night I am sitting on the sofa looking out at our Christmas lights. When I turn to him, he is looking at me, not the lights. He is smiling, and my heart is so full. This year, despite everything that has happened, losing my mom and spending so much time away from my soldier, moving and turning my world upside down, I am grateful for all I have. God Bless.

Where I am

I was driving back from the airport yesterday with the Front Range in view, fresh air blowing through my hair, sun warm against my skin. I was okay, I guessed, but I dropped Cash off again. This time he’ll only be gone 12 days back home, but it’s still too long.

I keep seeing that same look on his face when we have to say goodbye again. It kills me, but I smile and do it because I realize more every day how I can’t be without him. Sappy? Maybe, but that’s where I am. I’m here waiting for him.

Sitting at work bored and wishing I could get home…but today it’s to an empty apartment. Now I have all the time in the world to think. I’m wondering about all the little slips and smiles–saying things about a ring and honeymoons. Every time he says something I smile and take a deep breath. It’s best not to let what you want become what you expect.

Part of one day down and hating to sleep alone in that big bed. I missed being tickled while I’m making dinner last night. I am wondering how it is that I haven’t ever felt this way about any other time with anyone else. I stepped out of the fog and I see everything the way it should be, realistically and perfectly.

Who’s to say they don’t come true?

Adele ‘Make You Feel My Love’
Kip Moore ‘Hey Pretty Girl’

I had the most vivid dream last night–I was standing, breathless as Cash is down on one knee…well, you get the point.

Then I’m walking down the aisle with my Mother at my side like we had always planned. She had tears in her eyes the first time we talked about it. When I thought a proposal was looming in the very near future before (funny I wrote looming…if that’s any indication of how I was feeling under the surface of it all along, you’d be correct).

It was the perfect dream, the perfect unfolding of what I want most, what I know could finally bring me back, give me what I need, and to give everything I have to him.

Europe Day 39

If you ever had any doubts that I wouldn’t do anything for you, now is the time to put it to rest. I bought something for myself (well, it’s for you, but it’s for me…does that make sense?) a few minutes ago on the computer. I was reminded tonight that we could explore a few other things and I’m willing to try anything if it will make you happy.

I should see you in a month. 30 days. 720 hours. That last one makes me a little less happy, so I’ll think of it as 4 weeks. That’s better.

Still thinking back to that conversation last night on Skype. You are this force of calm, love, hope, trust, and belief that pulls me in like gravity. I look at you, encircled by your love, in your orbit, and I feel so blessed. I would be just as grateful to fall at your feet but you hold me up when I need you, even if I don’t know it. What will it take to keep this love forever?


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