Wounds heal all time

The Grateful Dead ‘Box of Rain’
Aerosmith ‘Dream On’

It’s been a long blur of hours and days since I wrote last, and still haven’t found the words to say anything important.  I’m not entirely sure I do now, but here I am, fingers dancing across the keys mindlessly.  On a whim I drove to Colorado Springs to see my (now) boyfriend Cash, and I must admit I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

I find myself constantly being reminded by all of the quirky things my Mother did or said.  I laugh out loud, smile on the inside, and come home to cry.  The sight of her still lingers, and I am afraid it always will.  I know it will.  Then again, if I close my eyes I am small again and I smell her Enjoli perfume, I hear her singing in the kitchen, I see her smiling and waiving at me from her door as I drive away in my first car.  I loved her too much to see her in pain, but the way she died is a constant reminder of how much pain she was in to end it all the way she did.  It brings me to tears even now.  Earlier today I realized I had discovered her body only five weeks ago, so maybe it’s not time to let go of the tears or the pain, and maybe that’s okay.

What happens in a month

Easter Sunday I found my mother’s body. She committed suicide in her house. I can’t sleep since that day, and when I do, I wake up sweating and crying. Then two weeks later Cash came home from Africa and flew here to see me. It was more than I thought it would be. He is perfect. I love him, but a girl just doesn’t say it first. He is here for me during all of this and I am grateful. Now that I have to move on with my life I’m glad he is by my side, even if it’s from 1,500 miles away.

What if (all over again)

Miranda Lambert ‘Over You’

I fell asleep while Skyping with Cash last night, but I woke up in time to hear him still talking to me as I slept, telling me he was falling for me.  I tried to keep sleeping because I couldn’t stop listening to what he wanted to tell me.  Should I feel bad?  I know I’ve said before that a guy is different from all of the others, but he is good, decent, respectful, sweet…he is responsible, dedicated, funny, affectionate, chivalrous…

What if…what if this is it?  I closed my eyes one night after we spoke on the phone, and I felt overwhelmed and tears welling up.  That moment I realized I was falling in love with him.

If you still want me

The Rescues ‘Break Me Out’

I am so sleepy but still on a high from talking to the Green Beret for over an hour on the phone today!  It crushed me over a week ago when he had to say he wasn’t going to make it home to see me for Easter.  Now it’s not even a possibility but maybe a miracle that he could be home, or possibly the end of the month.  So I have at least another 34 days before I can touch his face, be wrapped in his arms or feel his kiss on my lips.  Now the panic sets in and I’m starting to examine whether this whole thing is really happening, or what it will turn into, or if he’ll split and leave me hanging, or if it ends up being nothing, or if I get dumped in the effin’ Starbucks again.  That’s it, when I do see him, I’m making lattes at the house.  Thanks for emotional security, Mr. Coffee.  I say every time that this guy feels different, but he really does.  He’s just a good guy.  When G.I. talked to me, all he did was make fun of me, but we weren’t laughing together.  He told me all the things he found attractive in a woman, and then mentioned that he liked something about me even though it wasn’t on his long list of ideals.  It made me feel terrible, and made me feel like I had to defend myself.  Cash isn’t like this at all.  He is sweet and sincere, he’s polite and cautiously romantic.  He makes me laugh and he tells me how happy I make him.  It’s all very different, very honest, very real.  So this time I have tried to coach myself into not falling for him, and not investing all of my heart and head into the hope of a real and lasting relationship but I realize that it’s too late.  I will be crushed if something happens and this all falls apart.  I will get up again and move on, but this time I will be justified to lie there for awhile.

Got enough

Lily Allen ‘Smile’

I woke up this morning and laid in bed for another five hours.  Normally, I’d be annoyed, self-loathing, disappointed, frustrated with myself.  Today, I put on headphones and dozed off, fan on, and enjoyed relaxing.  Nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no obligations.  Everything I expect of myself can wait another day.  Everyone that expects something from me can go to Hell.  Just for today.

For better, for worse, for better, for worse…

Deathcab for Cutie ‘Grapevine Fires’

It occured to me that nothing is ever going to be simple.  I’ve been waiting for things to get easier, but that’s what life is.  It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s sad, and it has it’s moments of profound beauty.  Life is never mundane.  If it is, you’re doing it all wrong and you’re missing out–even on all the bullshit.  Bullshit makes you a better person.  Anyway, life is just life, and it’s always going to be something, but not easy.

The hourglass

Maroon 5 ‘Just a Feeling’
Lily Allen ‘I Could Say’

I think the reason I am pining for days passed with exes is because it’s easier to pick up where you left off than to get the momentum to start over.  I am still so focused on a relationship making me happy and making my life what I want it to be that I’m afraid I won’t accomplish anything else.  Then again, is there any greater priority than love?  I am not a power-hungry piranha-woman out to kick ass and take names, but I am ambitious.  I want to be a doctor and be successful, and I want to live by my own happiness and much as someone else’s.  I want it all and I have no idea how to get started.

All I know is time is just slipping through my fingers.

It started with a kiss

It didn’t end with a kiss.  It almost never did.  The mental block that stops me from crying now stands in my way between rational thought and complete relapse.  He envelops me in his arms and I feel that familiar fondness, but nothing else.  We are still the same two people even after all the distance and time.  Even when he runs his fingers through my hair or holds my face in his hand.  Even when he smiles back at me, and even when he whispers to me.  Even then.  I want it to be different but all the reasons in the world don’t add up to be even.

One more try?

Sara Evans ‘A Little Bit Stronger’

Still struggling with school and why I can’t wrap my head around my goals and focus on work.  I need a vacation, I need to get away and have a break from everything.  I need love.  Human nature dictates the need to have contact with someone, and as much as I have Auto at my disposal again for physical interaction, it’s not what I need.  I know better anyway.  I have my suspicion he wouldn’t treat me any differently or consider a relationship with me.  Why go down a road already traveled?  As much as I ache to be vindicated in my prior affections, and as much as we are familiar to each other, I just know better than to put myself through it all again.

Well, this certainly turned from where I started to what was really on my mind.  Just another point against him–it’s still upsetting four years later.

If I could say anything

I would say you’ve ruined me.  No matter what gets in my way I can overcome it, move past it, get back up stronger, smarter, better off.  Somehow hundreds of days have passed and I am standing still.  I am no smarter or wiser, no more able to resist or reason than I was the very first day.